Yeah, first entry in months, guess that's the end of my solipsistic phase. My bullshit is but a grain of sand in the wind, so gonna use this to write down useful and hopefully insightful ideas as they appear. Pretty slowly, judging by the current rate!
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SCIENTIFIC DESERT ISLAND DISCS
We in the UK have a popular radio programme called Desert Island Discs. The show has been running for around 50 years and involves a pretty universal format: which 8 records/tracks/discs would you take with you to a desert island?
Of course, the whole premise that you would voluntarily end up on such an island and have only packed that number of discs and a record player (no HI FIs or iPods here, nothing battery operated in fact) does somewhat stretch credibility.
So the set up gradually became more macabre, with the host (then matronly Sue Lawley, now sultry Kirsty Young) intimating that the guest had washed onto the island as the sole survivor of an horrific, Lost-style plane crash, and had only managed to retrieve the above items.
For me, how you would come to pack your entire record collection for a flight also raises a few questions, but best to suspend disbelief I suppose.
Anyway, the whole point of this high-faluting set up is for the host to gently get their guest to reveal all sorts of unutterably fascinating details about their life. Depending on the guest, this can be pretty dull (for example when you've never heard of them) to mildly interesting (Martin Shaw used to be a bit of a pisshead, we were told recently).
As you can probably tell, I'm a bit of a begrudging follower of this show. What can I say: when you have no money and always wake up alone on a Sunday, you tend to have a lot of time on your hands.
So, over time, I've found a warp in the show's fabric: what if you only chose records which upped your chances of being rescued, and helped you survive the island?
The done thing, you see, is to pick records that are meaningful to you in some way, which have a connection to a time and place. Maybe the first record you ever heard; first record you made love to; first dance at your wedding; kids' favourite record; and so on.
And that's all well and good, but I think I'd be more concerned about surviving the wilderness and trying to get off it instead of revisiting a record collection which is by this point pretty well worn. So, indulge me as you would a B-list celebrity at mid-morning on Sunday, as I rundown my Desert Island survival records:
1) Gallows, In the Belly Of a Shark - this British punk band claim to have produced the loudest studio session ever; how better to get the attention of passing planes, and scare away wildlife, than by playing one of their records?
2) Hydrophonic Space, Supernova Incense - at 78.5 minutes long, this jam is reputedly the world's longest song. For similar reasons, then; the longer it runs, the more chance you have of being rescued
3) Learn Polynesian In 5 Days (Linguaphone) - I figure this mythical island is in the South Seas somewhere. Probably best to learn the lingo of the native sailor who might just drift across the water to apprehend you, then.
4) William Shatner, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds - in the words of George Clooney when he appeared on the show, you are more likely to cut off your own leg and hollow it out for a canoe than stick around to listen to this record. Pick it as an incentive to get off the rock.
5) Groove Armada, At the River - as the realisation dawns on you that no, no-one is coming to rescue you, and yes, the hallucination that you are surrounded by beautiful Waikiki beach babes and an endless supply of Bacardi in cocunut halves is real, what better record to create the impression that this is just a lovely little sojourn at the beach?
6) Katrina and the Waves, Walking on Sunshine - BUT before all that, best to have the most uplifting record of all time hidden away
7) Rex Harrison, Talk to the Animals - in order to quell the beasts queuing up to rip your head off, try and keep them at bay by attempting to persuade them of your powers of communication with them.
8) Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb - for when you've gone as bonkers as Syd Barrett.
Of course, if there's a record out there with the power to aerate soil or desalinate sea water and I've missed it out, then do feel free to tell me!
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